Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Emperor Strikes Back

A spokesperson for the Emperor has spoken out about the Clothesgate debacle that erupted after emails were intercepted in which the Emperor's tailors had discussed destroying data relating to the design and production of the expensive, lightweight clothes recently worn by the Emperor during a public parade.

These revelations have fueled speculation that during the parade the Emperor was, as one young skeptic suggested at the time, wearing no clothes at all.

"Suggestions that the Emperor's tailors were involved in any sort of wrong-doing are ludicrous," the spokesperson informed News World Disorder. "The designs and the materials used to make the Emperor's clothes were destroyed to add to the value of the garment. Everyone could see for themselves the fact that the Emperor was wearing arguably the finest suit of clothes ever seen in this Empire."

The spokesperson's position was backed up by a recent statement from the Emperor's Courtiers, who claimed that there was court-consensus on the authenticity of the Emperor's clothes. Nevertheless, the courtiers have agreed to conduct an in-depth, unbiased investigation into the Emperor's clothes.

The chairman of the Emperor's clothes selection committee has been called in to coordinate the investigation.

"The courtiers are planning to begin this investigation by finding the naughty boy who started the rumours about the Emperor's clothes in the first place," the spokesperson continued. "We have every reason to believe that this rumour was started by the King of Neighbouria in an attempt to destabilise our great Empire, and that this little boy was in fact a Neighbourian plant."

News World Disorder then asked the spokesperson about the alleged trail of silken dingle-berries that had been found by garment skeptics in the road along which the Emperor's convoy had traveled.

"The dingle-berries are, in fact, further proof that the Emperor was wearing the finest suit of clothing that anyone in this Empire has ever seen," the spokesperson responded.

"Everybody knows that the garment skeptics are paid off by Big Fabric, who are desperately attempting to prevent the Emperor's talented tailors from taking over the clothing industry in our Empire. If anything, the dingle-berries prove that the Emperor's clothes were twice as fine as previously thought."

Monday, December 14, 2009

Ice Core Hoax Exposed

News World Disorder has recently been made aware of the ice core series data that skeptics claim debunks the notion of anthropogenic global warming (please click on all images for large versions).

We immediately realised that the problem with the ice core data was that it had not yet been adjusted by climate scientists. We therefore took the step of verifying for ourselves the accuracy and reliability of the FudgeSource™ Software used by the Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia.

We ran the ice core data for the Holocene period through the program, resulting in the following graphs:

From this image we can easily see that the first graph contains data that has clearly been fiddled by nature and reality. The second graph features the necessary adjustments required to bring the issue of global warming into sharper focus - namely a massive incline in temperatures since 1850.

Pleased with our success, and the accuracy of the CRU FudgeSource™ Software, we ran the ice core data for the Holocene period through the Fortran code included in the ClimateGate emails, namely Harry's OUTOFCONTEXT WTF?™ climate model software. The results were truly terrifying:

Clearly, we can only pray that Al Gore wins his valiant battle to free the world of junk science in the face of this dreadful threat. We'll be praying to Gaia for your mortal souls, and practicing a brand new form of pranayama introduced by the UN's Lucis Trust, which allows the practitioner to exhale all CO2 onto the etheric plane in the form of angels with post-doctoral degrees in eugenics.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Jones Hits Back at Critics

Professor Phil Jones has lashed back at suggestions that his Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia systematically fudged its data in an attempt to exaggerate the threat of global warming, by claiming the world is going to catch on fire next Thursday unless he gets another $20 million in funding.

“When we said ‘hide the decline’, what we actually meant was ‘hide the decline in decreases in global temperature’” Jones said at a press conference on Wednesday. “We have actually been understating the case for 10 years. And we have definitive proof.”

Jones then put up a slide showing sand dunes from horizon to horizon with himself standing on the top of a sand dune holding up a thermometer.

“This was a truth so inconvenient that we couldn’t actually find a way to express it until this week. What you are looking at in this picture is the Arctic taken last Friday. As you can see, the temperature on the thermometer reads 45 degrees Celsius. All the members of the IPCC, Al Gore and the CRU have confirmed that temperature on the thermometer is, in fact, 45 degrees.”

“This is evidence of broad consensus in the broader scientific community,” Jones concluded.

Our News World Disorder correspondent then asked Jones why there appeared to be the skeleton of a camel lying partially buried to his right.

“It’s a polar bear,” Jones responded. “And if you’re going to ask me for proof of our temperature measurements in the Arctic, I’m going to inform you straight out that our data sets were so true and accurate, and full of righteous fire, that they actually set fire to our office and were, unfortunately, destroyed. Also, you’re an anti-Semite and you’re going to hell.”

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Obama vows U.S. will lead the way on climate change

President Bollocks O'Charmer was back at the grindstone again this week, vowing to fight climate change. With his teleprompter back in good working order, O'Charmer delivered a stirring speech in which he promised to send most of the world back to the stone age in order to prevent the climate from changing.

"At first I thought 'let's just blow up the sun' - it's supporting Al Qaeda by making grass grow so they can feed their goats of mass desertification."

"Then El Bore made an incovenient statement, telling me that it was us who were being naughty, not the sun, so we're gonna introduce some new taxes for y'all instead. We might bring peace to the sun at a later stage."

O'Charmer then described plans to create carbon capture institutes around the world.

"We're gonna go after carbon all over the world until there is no carbon left anywhere. Just yesterday Vice President Joe Bidet informed me that we had captured a piece of coal in a cave in Afghanistan. We also have reason to believe that Iran is stockpiling carbon, and have definitive proof that millions of Irananians are wantonly exhaling this substance."

NewsWorldDisorder then asked O'Charmer what his teleprompter thought about the 30,000+ scientists who have signed a petition claiming that man-made global warming is a political phenomenon intended to help implement centralised regional governance and bring about the creation of a carbon trading scheme that will earn billions for the world's wealthiest people.

O'Charmer never had a chance to reply. The packed press conference room, combined with the President's speech, had set off the carbon alarms in the White House air conditioning system. The situation was so severe that a piece of ice in the president's glass of water melted before the secret service had time to evacuate the press corp from the room.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Drones bring peace to Waziristan

President Bollocks O’Charmer’s anti-war stance has firmed in the Pakistan region of Waziristan, where local militants have been developing dangerous new weapons out of sticks, stones, retired Pepsi bottles and leather slings.

"Our intelligence agents have told us that the Waziristanis are building a stick of mass destruction in their mountain caves," O'Charmer told a press conference. "According to the most conservative estimates, these militants intend to create a stick 2 kilometers long, which they will then use to poke America in the eye."

There have also been suggestions that Al Qaeda has commissioned a giant sling which will be used to shoot suicide bombers over Europe and the Atlantic, and into crucial landmarks on the North American continent.

"We cannot overstate the severity of this threat, as there is every chance that they may complete their attacks by burning the stick, an act that will release so much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere that the whole world will melt in a vast interplanetary puddle. Yes I can."

In response to the threat offered by the tribesman of this mountainous region, the United States government has been intensifying its drone attacks in the region, and recently succeeded in reuniting 50 Waziristanis with their maker at the mere cost of $5 million.

It is almost certain that at least some of these were militants, armed to the teeth, or at least, armed with teeth.

“It was an act of compassion,” O’Charmer continued. “Change and hope have been brought to Pakistan by out flying automated angels of peace. Our plan is now to put and end to all war in the Middle East by bombing Iran, sending more troops to Afghanistan, and pretending that our troops have left Iraq.”

At this point O’Charmer’s teleprompter malfunctioned as the hot air in the press center caused the processors in several communications control computers to overheat and fail. Fortunately, O’Charmer was able to ad-lib successfully, telling reporters:

“That’s why, you see what I mean? Uh. The Al Qaeda. For the Military this is.. uh.. stay with me here, I haven’t been having much sleep lately, but the pastry chef here does a good job y’all. Look! Michael Jackson’s dead!”

Thursday, July 2, 2009

CDC Plans 600 Million Vaccinations

The American Center for Disease Control is planning to order 600 million Swine Flu vaccinations. This has sparked an outrage amongst pharmaceutical firms and their shareholders, who instead wanted to have the whole world vaccinated. Twice.

"Swine flu is the Al Qaeda of diseases", a spokesman for the Center for Subverted Imbeciles explained to the NewsWorldDisorder. "Each of them flu microbes is like a little terrorist looking to overthrow democracy, love and war. We therefore need to force everyone in America to be vaccinated."

Fortunately for the American populace, these vaccinations have been declared safe by the best experts money can buy. Pharmaceutical companies have even been forced to put ethyl-mercury, MSG and the byproducts of aborted foetuses into the vaccines just to get people to stop being such paranoid wussies.

Good news for the Pharma companies and the American public alike, is that President Bollocks O'Charmer has already approved billions of dollars of funding for the purchases of these essential vaccines. This will come as an enormous relief to all Americans, as literally dozens of United States citizens have come down with this lethal pandemic, that almost, but not quite, overshadows other pandemics like HIV/AIDS and malaria, which kill mere thousands around the world every day.

When asked whether forced vaccinations wouldn't effectively overturn statutes put in place during the Nuremberg Trials that sought to protect humanity from involuntary exposure to medical intervention, the CSI spokesman became visibly agitated.

"You're just not getting it," the CSI spokesman continued. "You need to give up your freedom to be free, give up your money to be rich, give up your health to be healthy and give up your intelligence to be informed. What's wrong with you anyway, can't you read the questions on the press sheet?"