Drones bring peace to Waziristan

President Bollocks O’Charmer’s anti-war stance has firmed in the Pakistan region of Waziristan, where local militants have been developing dangerous new weapons out of sticks, stones, retired Pepsi bottles and leather slings.

"Our intelligence agents have told us that the Waziristanis are building a stick of mass destruction in their mountain caves," O'Charmer told a press conference. "According to the most conservative estimates, these militants intend to create a stick 2 kilometers long, which they will then use to poke America in the eye."

There have also been suggestions that Al Qaeda has commissioned a giant sling which will be used to shoot suicide bombers over Europe and the Atlantic, and into crucial landmarks on the North American continent.

"We cannot overstate the severity of this threat, as there is every chance that they may complete their attacks by burning the stick, an act that will release so much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere that the whole world will melt in a vast interplanetary puddle. Yes I can."

In response to the threat offered by the tribesman of this mountainous region, the United States government has been intensifying its drone attacks in the region, and recently succeeded in reuniting 50 Waziristanis with their maker at the mere cost of $5 million.

It is almost certain that at least some of these were militants, armed to the teeth, or at least, armed with teeth.

“It was an act of compassion,” O’Charmer continued. “Change and hope have been brought to Pakistan by out flying automated angels of peace. Our plan is now to put and end to all war in the Middle East by bombing Iran, sending more troops to Afghanistan, and pretending that our troops have left Iraq.”

At this point O’Charmer’s teleprompter malfunctioned as the hot air in the press center caused the processors in several communications control computers to overheat and fail. Fortunately, O’Charmer was able to ad-lib successfully, telling reporters:

“That’s why, you see what I mean? Uh. The Al Qaeda. For the Military this is.. uh.. stay with me here, I haven’t been having much sleep lately, but the pastry chef here does a good job y’all. Look! Michael Jackson’s dead!”