Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Emperor Strikes Back

A spokesperson for the Emperor has spoken out about the Clothesgate debacle that erupted after emails were intercepted in which the Emperor's tailors had discussed destroying data relating to the design and production of the expensive, lightweight clothes recently worn by the Emperor during a public parade.

These revelations have fueled speculation that during the parade the Emperor was, as one young skeptic suggested at the time, wearing no clothes at all.

"Suggestions that the Emperor's tailors were involved in any sort of wrong-doing are ludicrous," the spokesperson informed News World Disorder. "The designs and the materials used to make the Emperor's clothes were destroyed to add to the value of the garment. Everyone could see for themselves the fact that the Emperor was wearing arguably the finest suit of clothes ever seen in this Empire."

The spokesperson's position was backed up by a recent statement from the Emperor's Courtiers, who claimed that there was court-consensus on the authenticity of the Emperor's clothes. Nevertheless, the courtiers have agreed to conduct an in-depth, unbiased investigation into the Emperor's clothes.

The chairman of the Emperor's clothes selection committee has been called in to coordinate the investigation.

"The courtiers are planning to begin this investigation by finding the naughty boy who started the rumours about the Emperor's clothes in the first place," the spokesperson continued. "We have every reason to believe that this rumour was started by the King of Neighbouria in an attempt to destabilise our great Empire, and that this little boy was in fact a Neighbourian plant."

News World Disorder then asked the spokesperson about the alleged trail of silken dingle-berries that had been found by garment skeptics in the road along which the Emperor's convoy had traveled.

"The dingle-berries are, in fact, further proof that the Emperor was wearing the finest suit of clothing that anyone in this Empire has ever seen," the spokesperson responded.

"Everybody knows that the garment skeptics are paid off by Big Fabric, who are desperately attempting to prevent the Emperor's talented tailors from taking over the clothing industry in our Empire. If anything, the dingle-berries prove that the Emperor's clothes were twice as fine as previously thought."

Monday, December 14, 2009

Ice Core Hoax Exposed

News World Disorder has recently been made aware of the ice core series data that skeptics claim debunks the notion of anthropogenic global warming (please click on all images for large versions).

We immediately realised that the problem with the ice core data was that it had not yet been adjusted by climate scientists. We therefore took the step of verifying for ourselves the accuracy and reliability of the FudgeSource™ Software used by the Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia.

We ran the ice core data for the Holocene period through the program, resulting in the following graphs:

From this image we can easily see that the first graph contains data that has clearly been fiddled by nature and reality. The second graph features the necessary adjustments required to bring the issue of global warming into sharper focus - namely a massive incline in temperatures since 1850.

Pleased with our success, and the accuracy of the CRU FudgeSource™ Software, we ran the ice core data for the Holocene period through the Fortran code included in the ClimateGate emails, namely Harry's OUTOFCONTEXT WTF?™ climate model software. The results were truly terrifying:

Clearly, we can only pray that Al Gore wins his valiant battle to free the world of junk science in the face of this dreadful threat. We'll be praying to Gaia for your mortal souls, and practicing a brand new form of pranayama introduced by the UN's Lucis Trust, which allows the practitioner to exhale all CO2 onto the etheric plane in the form of angels with post-doctoral degrees in eugenics.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Jones Hits Back at Critics

Professor Phil Jones has lashed back at suggestions that his Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia systematically fudged its data in an attempt to exaggerate the threat of global warming, by claiming the world is going to catch on fire next Thursday unless he gets another $20 million in funding.

“When we said ‘hide the decline’, what we actually meant was ‘hide the decline in decreases in global temperature’” Jones said at a press conference on Wednesday. “We have actually been understating the case for 10 years. And we have definitive proof.”

Jones then put up a slide showing sand dunes from horizon to horizon with himself standing on the top of a sand dune holding up a thermometer.

“This was a truth so inconvenient that we couldn’t actually find a way to express it until this week. What you are looking at in this picture is the Arctic taken last Friday. As you can see, the temperature on the thermometer reads 45 degrees Celsius. All the members of the IPCC, Al Gore and the CRU have confirmed that temperature on the thermometer is, in fact, 45 degrees.”

“This is evidence of broad consensus in the broader scientific community,” Jones concluded.

Our News World Disorder correspondent then asked Jones why there appeared to be the skeleton of a camel lying partially buried to his right.

“It’s a polar bear,” Jones responded. “And if you’re going to ask me for proof of our temperature measurements in the Arctic, I’m going to inform you straight out that our data sets were so true and accurate, and full of righteous fire, that they actually set fire to our office and were, unfortunately, destroyed. Also, you’re an anti-Semite and you’re going to hell.”