Jones Hits Back at Critics

Professor Phil Jones has lashed back at suggestions that his Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia systematically fudged its data in an attempt to exaggerate the threat of global warming, by claiming the world is going to catch on fire next Thursday unless he gets another $20 million in funding.

“When we said ‘hide the decline’, what we actually meant was ‘hide the decline in decreases in global temperature’” Jones said at a press conference on Wednesday. “We have actually been understating the case for 10 years. And we have definitive proof.”

Jones then put up a slide showing sand dunes from horizon to horizon with himself standing on the top of a sand dune holding up a thermometer.

“This was a truth so inconvenient that we couldn’t actually find a way to express it until this week. What you are looking at in this picture is the Arctic taken last Friday. As you can see, the temperature on the thermometer reads 45 degrees Celsius. All the members of the IPCC, Al Gore and the CRU have confirmed that temperature on the thermometer is, in fact, 45 degrees.”

“This is evidence of broad consensus in the broader scientific community,” Jones concluded.

Our News World Disorder correspondent then asked Jones why there appeared to be the skeleton of a camel lying partially buried to his right.

“It’s a polar bear,” Jones responded. “And if you’re going to ask me for proof of our temperature measurements in the Arctic, I’m going to inform you straight out that our data sets were so true and accurate, and full of righteous fire, that they actually set fire to our office and were, unfortunately, destroyed. Also, you’re an anti-Semite and you’re going to hell.”