Thursday, July 9, 2009

Obama vows U.S. will lead the way on climate change

President Bollocks O'Charmer was back at the grindstone again this week, vowing to fight climate change. With his teleprompter back in good working order, O'Charmer delivered a stirring speech in which he promised to send most of the world back to the stone age in order to prevent the climate from changing.

"At first I thought 'let's just blow up the sun' - it's supporting Al Qaeda by making grass grow so they can feed their goats of mass desertification."

"Then El Bore made an incovenient statement, telling me that it was us who were being naughty, not the sun, so we're gonna introduce some new taxes for y'all instead. We might bring peace to the sun at a later stage."

O'Charmer then described plans to create carbon capture institutes around the world.

"We're gonna go after carbon all over the world until there is no carbon left anywhere. Just yesterday Vice President Joe Bidet informed me that we had captured a piece of coal in a cave in Afghanistan. We also have reason to believe that Iran is stockpiling carbon, and have definitive proof that millions of Irananians are wantonly exhaling this substance."

NewsWorldDisorder then asked O'Charmer what his teleprompter thought about the 30,000+ scientists who have signed a petition claiming that man-made global warming is a political phenomenon intended to help implement centralised regional governance and bring about the creation of a carbon trading scheme that will earn billions for the world's wealthiest people.

O'Charmer never had a chance to reply. The packed press conference room, combined with the President's speech, had set off the carbon alarms in the White House air conditioning system. The situation was so severe that a piece of ice in the president's glass of water melted before the secret service had time to evacuate the press corp from the room.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Drones bring peace to Waziristan

President Bollocks O’Charmer’s anti-war stance has firmed in the Pakistan region of Waziristan, where local militants have been developing dangerous new weapons out of sticks, stones, retired Pepsi bottles and leather slings.

"Our intelligence agents have told us that the Waziristanis are building a stick of mass destruction in their mountain caves," O'Charmer told a press conference. "According to the most conservative estimates, these militants intend to create a stick 2 kilometers long, which they will then use to poke America in the eye."

There have also been suggestions that Al Qaeda has commissioned a giant sling which will be used to shoot suicide bombers over Europe and the Atlantic, and into crucial landmarks on the North American continent.

"We cannot overstate the severity of this threat, as there is every chance that they may complete their attacks by burning the stick, an act that will release so much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere that the whole world will melt in a vast interplanetary puddle. Yes I can."

In response to the threat offered by the tribesman of this mountainous region, the United States government has been intensifying its drone attacks in the region, and recently succeeded in reuniting 50 Waziristanis with their maker at the mere cost of $5 million.

It is almost certain that at least some of these were militants, armed to the teeth, or at least, armed with teeth.

“It was an act of compassion,” O’Charmer continued. “Change and hope have been brought to Pakistan by out flying automated angels of peace. Our plan is now to put and end to all war in the Middle East by bombing Iran, sending more troops to Afghanistan, and pretending that our troops have left Iraq.”

At this point O’Charmer’s teleprompter malfunctioned as the hot air in the press center caused the processors in several communications control computers to overheat and fail. Fortunately, O’Charmer was able to ad-lib successfully, telling reporters:

“That’s why, you see what I mean? Uh. The Al Qaeda. For the Military this is.. uh.. stay with me here, I haven’t been having much sleep lately, but the pastry chef here does a good job y’all. Look! Michael Jackson’s dead!”

Thursday, July 2, 2009

CDC Plans 600 Million Vaccinations

The American Center for Disease Control is planning to order 600 million Swine Flu vaccinations. This has sparked an outrage amongst pharmaceutical firms and their shareholders, who instead wanted to have the whole world vaccinated. Twice.

"Swine flu is the Al Qaeda of diseases", a spokesman for the Center for Subverted Imbeciles explained to the NewsWorldDisorder. "Each of them flu microbes is like a little terrorist looking to overthrow democracy, love and war. We therefore need to force everyone in America to be vaccinated."

Fortunately for the American populace, these vaccinations have been declared safe by the best experts money can buy. Pharmaceutical companies have even been forced to put ethyl-mercury, MSG and the byproducts of aborted foetuses into the vaccines just to get people to stop being such paranoid wussies.

Good news for the Pharma companies and the American public alike, is that President Bollocks O'Charmer has already approved billions of dollars of funding for the purchases of these essential vaccines. This will come as an enormous relief to all Americans, as literally dozens of United States citizens have come down with this lethal pandemic, that almost, but not quite, overshadows other pandemics like HIV/AIDS and malaria, which kill mere thousands around the world every day.

When asked whether forced vaccinations wouldn't effectively overturn statutes put in place during the Nuremberg Trials that sought to protect humanity from involuntary exposure to medical intervention, the CSI spokesman became visibly agitated.

"You're just not getting it," the CSI spokesman continued. "You need to give up your freedom to be free, give up your money to be rich, give up your health to be healthy and give up your intelligence to be informed. What's wrong with you anyway, can't you read the questions on the press sheet?"